I want to feel more secure with him so I’ll feel ready for sex – I’m in the process of recovering from a two-year relationship with a man who was not emotionally available, so I’m a little scared. Wanting physical affection but not intercourse does not make you a tease. It’s common for older men to need more touching and other kinds of sexual stimulation.—Ambivalent About Sex As I say often, sex is never just about sex, and many components are contributing to your ambivalence: You’re concerned about rushing too fast, exposing yourself to STDs and not knowing how to please him; you’re not sure you would enjoy doing what he needs you to do and worry that the relationship won’t work out. There are plenty of ways to enjoy each other sensually and sexually without intercourse, as you’re discovering. Their erections and orgasms often require more attention from a partner.You say you don’t want to do prolonged manual or oral sex for him, but what if that’s what he needs?
Or are you reluctant because you fear you can’t satisfy him?
Ask him to guide you through it or let you watch while he masturbates – that can be exciting for both of you.
When you’re ready, explore sex toys that can stimulate him. (See my blog’s reviews of sex toys for male bodies here.) How do you know that he has no STDs? Please heed the advice I gave here and use condoms for penetrative sex and fellatio every time.
If, three to six months later, the two of you are in a committed, sexually exclusive relationship, both of you should get tested and decide whether it’s appropriate to go condom-free.
The other night I lay in bed with him and we petted with our clothes on. I have a very high libido and want sex very much physically, but I’m not ready emotionally.
We’ve been doing a lot of kissing and holding hands and just general touching.At this point I’m okay with petting, but I don’t feel comfortable getting naked and doing more. First, I am very scared of having sex with someone who might have a sexually transmitted disease. So I would need to be sure the man was disease free before I would exchange any fluids, either through intercourse or fellatio.Also, he mentioned early on that he doesn’t always have an erection. I don’t want him to ask me to spend ages masturbating him or giving him oral sex to get him aroused. Tell him that you enjoy the sensuality of what you’ve been doing, but you’re not ready to take it further and can’t predict when or if you will be. Meanwhile, a few things to think about: It sounds like he has hinted at his sexual needs but you haven’t ask him to clarify them.You have plenty to think about and talk about before you decide whether to take sex further with this partner. —Joan Would you like to see more questions and answers? Many years ago your mom or dad probably had “the talk” with you. By asking questions and listening more than talking, she shows her date she is interested in him.Perhaps over your teen and young-adult years your parent(s) initiated many talks about love, dating, sex and the selection of a life partner. She also gets to know more about him to decide just how interested she is. To your parents’ distress, the ability to get an erection was probably never an issue for the pimply-faced teenager you dated.