” We find out through the therapeutic process that this person has done this repeatedly and he suffers from loneliness yet he cannot move away from this pattern.
He comes from a divorced family that had immense instability throughout the childhood.
So he is constantly working to mitigate future pain.
When they find someone that they feel would measure up the push/pull journeys begin. You know what I am talking about: The person is fully present and ensconced in compliments and sweet nothings, and then they don’t call for four days. When the commitment-phobic person is there, they are thinking at the back of their mind about their backdoor way out at all times.
A very unhappy commitment phobic client said to me once about his latest conquest: “I’m not here for a long time, but I’m here for a good time, so I’m going to be very seductive and very romantic with her.
But, as soon as I get a whiff that she is starting to relax with me, be more human and real with me, I’m outta here!
But if not, it is not at all obvious because one can be deeply taken in by the art of seduction that is prevalent at the hands of a commitment phobic person.
They are deeply involved in the thrill of the hunt as a key part of the experience.
Once they “get” the person, it becomes less interesting for them. They are consumed with picking out the negative traits in the other person in a meticulous fashion.
I am not saying people should ignore negative traits or stay in relationships they’re not happy with, but with the commitment-phobic person, this endeavour of seeking out negative traits in the other person is particularly acute and almost an obsessive process.
Commitment phobia is a very painful experience both for the one who engages in the pattern and for those who are involved with that person.
Usually the art of pushing and pulling and seduction are the domain of the commitment “phobe.” The answer dwells deeply in the family of origin survival patterns. People who are commitment phobic feel they need to cut off their feelings after a certain point of knowing someone as a means of feeling in control and feeling emotionally protected.
Commitment phobia is something I see in my office often and happens to both women and men. This is often not conscious and going on at the deepest level of the sub consciousness.
You can spot a commitment-phobe a mile away only if you know what you are looking for.